There is so much to say. Yet, all I see is that I lost someone permanently. I lost someone so beautiful to me. Someone who fulfilled my destiny. I wish people could see through to the real me. Only then they would know not to be friends with me.

I cry today because of my own self caused misery. I search for false truth when reality is right in front of me. I make the same mistakes knowing the outcome before me.

The guilt never cares. I could never forgive myself. They see of only the mere reality. I see the full past behind me. They don’t know the entirety of my betrayal. They don’t know my evil. How can I even live and breathe on? I don’t deserve to. How am I not reminded every second of every day of what I’ve done.?Who I’ve hurt. Those I betrayed. The love I chose to give away. I’m in a place between suicide and self hate. There’s no path for love. No happiness should make way.

I brought myself this pain. My tears are self-justified. No one else is to blame. I am now in a place of regret, sorrow and no time machine to help me change it back. I deserve this pain and more. The things I have done are unforgivable. The anxiety and pain I feel is nothing compared to what I give out to the world. Poor world. May the rest be saved. Safe from my unjust.

So much has been going on. There’s no place to start, no place to end. It’s ongoing and present so how can I explain my misery when it changes as I breathe every second of each day. Not to be tamed and pays no attention to how Kira feels. It will present it’s darkness wherever it feels right and all I can do is breathe through the flames whose water is placed by the hellfire I made.

originally written october 5th, 2019. this is raw and unedited. I wanted to better this into a poem but it would take the real pain away, so I couldn’t.

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