When my anxiety kicks in the firstmost thing I notice is my racing heartbeat. It speeds up so dramatically that I have to put a hand to my heart just to help calm it down.
Then, the shallow breaths. My breathing slows, then races. It becomes inconsistent. And suffocating.
Next, the weakness. I can never stand for long when it all kicks in. My legs tremble, and my hands shake slightly. My torso likes to feel empty as my chest fills with a dark fluid other than blood. A brick-like burden discerns.
Nothing is noticeable to the other condescending eye, but it’s enough to make me feel as if my world might just end right this second.
On comes the depression. Tears. Instability. Suffocation. Thoughts. Memories. Guilt. Regret. Need. Jealousy. All unconditional feelings that never ask for permission to enter.
An inability to speak presents itself. The ability to express and understand diminishes.
My heart keeps racing as if it’s trying to tell me something. But just in a language that I can’t ever understand.
Now, denial steps in. I fight myself. These feelings, these emotions. I think about God and the purpose I have in life. I see a light, but it seems miles away.
So I let myself fall.
Because I don’t understand any of it. It comes unknowingly and leaves unknowingly. Quitely and silently. At its own will. I can never control my anxiety. It’s impossible to shake off until all the chemicals in my brain decide to unlatch themselves and stop feeding.
But there’s still a lot I need to figure out and understand. I’m new to all these mental illnesses. I’ve never believed that these terms could ever apply to me. I’ve been in denial my whole life. I thought I was safe. Different. Protected. But that was all proved wrong step by step. My brain gave up on me. It became tired of my lies, my hidden feelings, and my hidden self. I just recently realized how broken I’ve been my whole life. How sad I’ve felt for the longest time. How trapped the cage is, the one that I’ve built specially for myself. I now understand why people always say to never bottle up your emotions and feelings. It is so one can avoid breakdowns like mine.
I’ve lost my way.
No one’s left the light on. It’s a pathway of darkness. And all I could do is roam my hands around and hope to find serenity,
peace & tranquility.
originally written July 31st, 2018.