I just need to break down and cry. I’m back on a low. My tears are now fast and heartbeat slow. Deep breaths in and deep breaths out, still I feel suffocation all throughout.
It’s a sad place to be in, I can’t escape.
I can’t deal with the anxiety, I should leave.
Now my heart is beating fast, breaths still heavy. There’s a weight on my chest, a sharp pain in my stomach. My mind rushes when I’m alone. Details of my past. Details of the world around me. It’s a bittersweet freedom. In front of others, I’m just an act.
I feel like there’s no one for me. No one who understands the intensity. I feel hated secretly. So hard to love. Why would they love me? I’m all just a burden and it’s hard to set someone free.
I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. People give me sympathy and words.
“You’ll be okay.”
But no one ever tells me how. How do I be okay, how will I be okay? How do I get this out of my mind?
How do I stop caring?
It’s emotionally impossible.
The anxiety reaches its high and I break into pieces until I fall into a deep slumber. My walls seem so full. My heart so empty. I stare at them all night, yet still no answer key.
How? Someone, please tell me how.
originally written 06/26/18