How

I just need to break down and cry. I’m back on a low. My tears are now fast and heartbeat slow. Deep breaths in and deep breaths out, still I feel suffocation all throughout.

It’s a sad place to be in, I can’t escape.
I can’t deal with the anxiety, I should leave.

Now my heart is beating fast, breaths still heavy. There’s a weight on my chest, a sharp pain in my stomach. My mind rushes when I’m alone. Details of my past. Details of the world around me. It’s a bittersweet freedom. In front of others, I’m just an act.

I feel like there’s no one for me. No one who understands the intensity. I feel hated secretly. So hard to love. Why would they love me? I’m all just a burden and it’s hard to set someone free.

I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. People give me sympathy and words.

“You’ll be okay.”

But no one ever tells me how. How do I be okay, how will I be okay? How do I get this out of my mind?

How do I stop caring?

It’s emotionally impossible.

The anxiety reaches its high and I break into pieces until I fall into a deep slumber. My walls seem so full. My heart so empty. I stare at them all night, yet still no answer key.

How? Someone, please tell me how.

 

 

originally written 06/26/18

3 Replies to “How”

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