You Were my World

I’m falling. Somewhere deep, into my own self. Off a cliff, into an endless river.

I cry. Then I smile. I laugh, then I don’t. I talk, then I shut up. I look, and then I don’t.

She affects me more then I would ever want her to. She makes my life more difficult then it needs to be. I don’t understand. One day, she’s the happiest she could be with me. The other, like majority days, it seems that I only disappoint her more and more every second. She acknowledges it as well. She tells me that I don’t live up to her expectations in hidden words every day. It’s like she really wishes for me to be different than who I became to be. She’s the same towards my father.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be without her. But I can’t think that. It’s supposed to be forbidden. I wish I didn’t though. But the curiosity eats me alive when the tears flowing out of my eyes are because of her. I have to stop myself from wondering more at times, I still have humanity.

I love her. I do love her. There’s doubt, but eventually I learned that this love is inevitable. However, sometimes the consequences of loving her lead to some of the worst things I have experienced in my life.

So I’m scared. There are times I want to show her I’m happy. Happy because of something that happened in college or with my friends or my successes. But I can’t. I don’t. Because when I do, it’s like she tries to put me down; ruin my happiness. In her shoes, I feel that if she sees me happy it means that I did something wrong or went behind her back. That I’m too evil or wise to be happy for some other reason. The times I have shown her my true and RAW happiness, it’s led to negativity and lectures which eventually are the causes for the erosion of my happiness.

It’s a circle. Neverending. Repetitive. I try to hide my feelings but sometimes I can’t. I overflow and it comes out. Both negative and positive. It’s the hope in me that fails to fail.

I do love her, but at times I may hate that reality. I want to be like those people who can just cut out negative things in their life in an instance. I cannot. I care too much. I want to be happy but it seems that I don’t. I should be able to be myself in front of her. But I’m not. And I admit that some of it has to do with hiding my own personality from her deliberately, however, most of has to do with her.

I walk on the eggshells that she has lied down before me 24/7. They’re everywhere.

People often ask me what I’m scared of most in life. I say loneliness.

I lie. It’s my mother.

2 Replies to “You Were my World”

  1. I felt you in every word of this. The crazy thing is that it explains my whole relationship with my step mother when I was growing up, word for word. You are more than enough and your spirit is big enough to swallow up the whole world and bring healing to others that you so desperately need. I don’t even know you personally but I love your soul and your vulnerability to share this. I’m in love with your blog already. I would say more but I think my words would be too primitive to explain how this made me feel. You have an amazing gift. This was beautifully written. Thank you for opening up and sharing apart of yourself that even I struggled to share at one time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never ever thought that I would be sharing feelings like this. I thought this world wasn’t ready for what I had to share. But wow. You and many others have proved me wrong. And I couldn’t be happier to admit that. I’m glad my spirit touched you. It may not be hope yet, but my goal for now is connection. And you connected. Thank you so so much for that. I am not alone. And you are not alone. Your words are a gift to me. And I hope I can repay you back one day with mine as well.

      Like

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