Eggshells. Walking on eggshells is what my whole childhood and teen years have felt like. I don’t think i’m gonna spill my whole story on this. But from today I’m gonna keep a journal. I’ll keep updating.
FIghting hurts. It gets to you. As a child you feel hopeless. You feel like your the only one who could fix things. Maybe even feel like you’re the ones whos causing the problems. You feel lost. You feel wrong. you feel sad. you feel hopeless. you feel like your world is gonna end. your sleep is gone. your care is high. you wait for it to end. and when it finally ends, it’s quieter than quiet. when it ends, it feels fake. you walk on eggshells until the next fight. you wait for it to happen. you check on them regularly. maybe even in the night. you try to make yourself the best possible. you try to make them smile. you show them that you’re not affected, so they don’t feel bad. because when you try to tell them, they rub off your feelings. they say it’s not true. that it’s not possible for a child to be affected by all of this. they shut you up. they crush your hope. destroy it.
you have no one now. now it’s just an act. an act to be happy. an act to try not to crack an eggshell. you want to tell someone. but they just won’t understand. you WANT to make someone understand the intensity of what you’re feeling so much that you might exaggerate it to others so they can just know how your feeling. but they don’t. they leave eventually. and your back to trying to make people understand. by this time you give up. you don’t tell them. you hide it from you, not knowing how much its psychologically hurting you. you’re old enough to know now that you’ll disrespect your family’s reputation if you say a word. that whatever your parents worked hard for, will be ruined by the shameful acts that happen in your house.
im stopping here. i can’t stop crying.