Sometimes I really find that I am boggled. That my mind is rushing with emotions and I am not able to understand them. After watching a specific episode of Bones, I realized that the proper way to describe this was “I am not in tune with myself.” I don’t know what I’m feeling a lot. Like right now. Like two weeks ago. Like my whole life. It’s an emotion. It’s there. It makes me want to cry. It makes me wanna go mad and break down. But I’m never able to decipher it.
Sometimes I don’t know why I’m mad or sad. And then other days I don’t know whether I’m feeling mad or sad in the first place. It’s just a negative feeling. And it grows as I get through the day or night. And until I don’t cry my eyes out and fall to sleep, it most likely doesn’t go away. Now, I’m getting better at this whole being in tune with myself. But today after a long time I felt it again. I don’t know whether I’m feeling hopeless. Or sad. Or mad. Or just quiet. Or maybe just overwhelmed. Its like I’m all at once. Or none at all. It sometimes feels as if this is an emotion not able to translate itself into words. Or maybe even in this world. But then what caused it? I can’t think of any specific thing that caused this emotion sometimes. Yes, there’s depressing events in my life (like today my mother kept blaming me wrong for every task I completed) but I would like to believe that I am stronger than this. And there have been occasions where I have gone through these exact same situations and still felt fine.
It’s just random. Bipolar. I hope it goes away. I hope you cannot relate. It makes me feel hopeless. And adds on to whatever depression I feel at the moment. Imagine not knowing how you feel. Not being able to decipher how or why you’re in the state of mind you’re in right now. It really really sucks.